With my niece here, the only thing that I have been able to do related to weight loss is my daily morning exercise. This is no small thing (I'm still not loving it, but it's now part of my morning routine which I really wanted it to become and want it to stay) but it is not enough if I want to bring my weight down. I AM stress eating and my food is all over the place.
Over the past three weeks that my 8 year old niece has been visiting me, my days have been consumed with caring for her. She is a bright beautiful curious energetic child and I am really happy to have this time to get to know her better and introducing her to all sorts of new things, but as wonderful as she is and as much as I adore her, I could not imagine being her or anyone else's parent day in day out, year after year after year. It is much too ... well, draining.
This is the biggest problem I have with motherhood. To be a good mother, I think, one has to be prepared to surrender a good part of one's personhood, personal space, time and energy. How on earth do people do that? I need extended periods of alone time to think, dream, ruminate, plan, BE. Without this time I could not function, could not maintain my sanity. Without it I would quickly suffocate and die.
Having my niece here reminds me of just how much I am not cut out for motherhood. This is something that I've always pretty much known about myself. I don't hate kids mind you (though I have to admit I tend to prefer child free zone on any form of public transport or socialising) but bringing a life into the world and being responsible for its emotional, spiritual, physical and social development and well-being is mind bogglingly terrifying to me.
Parenting a child has got to be the most challenging and important job one can ever do in one's life and I am definitely not up for it.