I was coping with a lot last week and just didn't have the energy to blog. I'm coming to the end of a year long course I've been doing called the Post Graduate Certificate in Education (PGCE) and am swamped getting all the course work and a research paper completed in time, but more than this I've been experiencing lots of emotional turmoil.
I don't know if it's all the mind work I've been doing or if it's because I am following my food plan to the letter and not cocooning myself in any shape or form in the emotional blanket that food has been for me, but all sorts of stuff has been coming up for me lately which has been shattering my self-image.
Last week a little incident happened between my husband and I which made me realise how dependent I have become on him. I know that interdependence comes along with having relationships with others, and I do realise that in various stages of a relationship people may need to take turns being dependent on each other for various reasons, but that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is that along the road of our life together I, a bright capable able-bodied woman, have abandoned more and more of my autonomy and adulthood and retreating into a kind of infantilism, making my husband responsible for me on every level.
Being the loving supportive guy he is, he doesn't see it this way of course, but what's important is that "I" do. Over the past few years I've been sucking up all the air in our relationship with all sort of mini-crises, whingeing and whining. I've been so narcissistic and selfish that it frightens me. When and how did I become this person? I've completely been taking advantage of my husband's generosity and kindness and handicapping myself in the process. The thing is that I've never quite seen things this way before. When the scales fell from my eyes last week and I suddenly became aware of this state of affairs, I felt just devastated and disappointed in myself. I just wanted to bury my consciousness in a cheesecake ... or a chocolate cake or ... well you get the picture. That's the way I've always coped with anxiety, sadness, loneliness, bewilderment, depression, guilt, fear, etc. I assuage my anguish with sugar and thus avoid facing the challenges which engender emotional maturation. Sigh!!!
Well, I guess what matters is that I didn't retreat into the food this time. Actually, I didn't do anything at all. I was too shell shocked. I just lived with the awful feelings until they eventually passed. When they did I was able to think more clearly about my life and goals and make some plans for taking charge of my life again.
Has anyone been experiencing any such revelations and epiphanies on their weight loss journey? Please don't tell me I'm alone in this. It's like by putting down the excess calories, I've inadvertently unlocked some sort of internal Pandora's box and I'm kind of scared that there's more self-disillusioning stuff to come.
As for my weight, last week I lost 1.5kgs/3lbs and this week I lost 1.8kgs/4lbs. which brings me to 77.8kgs./171.6lbs. I'm just 1.1kg/2.6lbs away from leaving the category of obese and entering the category of overweight on the BMI scale. Can't believe how happy I am at the prospect of being overweight.
I don't know if it's all the mind work I've been doing or if it's because I am following my food plan to the letter and not cocooning myself in any shape or form in the emotional blanket that food has been for me, but all sorts of stuff has been coming up for me lately which has been shattering my self-image.
Last week a little incident happened between my husband and I which made me realise how dependent I have become on him. I know that interdependence comes along with having relationships with others, and I do realise that in various stages of a relationship people may need to take turns being dependent on each other for various reasons, but that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is that along the road of our life together I, a bright capable able-bodied woman, have abandoned more and more of my autonomy and adulthood and retreating into a kind of infantilism, making my husband responsible for me on every level.
Being the loving supportive guy he is, he doesn't see it this way of course, but what's important is that "I" do. Over the past few years I've been sucking up all the air in our relationship with all sort of mini-crises, whingeing and whining. I've been so narcissistic and selfish that it frightens me. When and how did I become this person? I've completely been taking advantage of my husband's generosity and kindness and handicapping myself in the process. The thing is that I've never quite seen things this way before. When the scales fell from my eyes last week and I suddenly became aware of this state of affairs, I felt just devastated and disappointed in myself. I just wanted to bury my consciousness in a cheesecake ... or a chocolate cake or ... well you get the picture. That's the way I've always coped with anxiety, sadness, loneliness, bewilderment, depression, guilt, fear, etc. I assuage my anguish with sugar and thus avoid facing the challenges which engender emotional maturation. Sigh!!!
Well, I guess what matters is that I didn't retreat into the food this time. Actually, I didn't do anything at all. I was too shell shocked. I just lived with the awful feelings until they eventually passed. When they did I was able to think more clearly about my life and goals and make some plans for taking charge of my life again.
Has anyone been experiencing any such revelations and epiphanies on their weight loss journey? Please don't tell me I'm alone in this. It's like by putting down the excess calories, I've inadvertently unlocked some sort of internal Pandora's box and I'm kind of scared that there's more self-disillusioning stuff to come.
As for my weight, last week I lost 1.5kgs/3lbs and this week I lost 1.8kgs/4lbs. which brings me to 77.8kgs./171.6lbs. I'm just 1.1kg/2.6lbs away from leaving the category of obese and entering the category of overweight on the BMI scale. Can't believe how happy I am at the prospect of being overweight.
Nona, OH girl!Do I understand what you are saying!!!! OH YES! I have been doing the same with my hisband and also with food! I can not tell you how proud I am of you that you didn't cave in to the food for comfort! GOOD FOR YOU! The last month has been a big eye opener for me as well. I was getting worried, I kept checking every day to see if you put a post up. So happy to see one! wow! that is awesome with your weight loss! I a, so excited and so proud of you .
ReplyDeleteHave a pretty night,
Kristin
sorry about the typo's! geez! I was typing as fast as I was thinking and hit send before I proof read it.
ReplyDelete"Well, I guess what matters is that I didn't retreat into the food this time. " - Good for you!
ReplyDeleteExcellent weight loss!!!!! Look at you ! Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteI saw part of a talk by a woman called Eve Ensler, who campaigns to stop violence against women. She spoke about accepting our emotions and not avoiding things because we think we will be emotionally overwhelmed by them. (You can download the talk at http://www.abc.net.au/tv/bigideas/stories/2010/05/25/2907926.htm)
ReplyDeleteShe mentioned she might spend a week in bed crying - but so what! When she stops crying she gets out of bed and continues on.
This way of thinking seems so refreshing to me. It sends a positive message that we can survive emotional turmoil just by virtue of the fact that we are human beings.
Reading your post, it made me think that we are not taught how to experience our emotions. There is so much focus on being successful today that its almost a failure in itself to feel bad.
Perhaps if we allowed ourselves to just go with our feeling, as you have this time, we wouldn't have issues with our weight.
Congratulations on the weight loss and achieving a significant milestone in your life.
It sounds like you are doing great food-wise. People have all sorts of issues that lead to unhealthy habits. You are certainly not alone.
ReplyDeleteOh, I know that song... I wrote the first verse! It's hard to take the responsibility on yourself for your own lifestyle choices. And it is harder when you have to share resources with someone who may or may not have the same goals, but you HAVE to do it.
ReplyDeleteMy husband isn't naturally skinny, but he could and would eat anything he wanted to and as much as he wanted to because he was also addicted to exercise. He believed he could do whatever he wanted to food-wise because of the exercise.
After an insurance physical last week, he's discovered that he was wrong about that. What you put in your body and how much DOES matter. I'd been telling him that for a while now and about how hard his choices made mine difficult too. Now he's on board. I'm hoping this will make my own journey easier because I'm not swimming upstream against his choices.
We're grownups!!!! We can do this!
I was just talking with a female colleague about that very same thing! Losing your identity and autonomy even though you love and respect your partner - it's not what you want to do but it sort of happens!! It's so common but can be very worrying to us strong women!!
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. Well done for just "feeling" rather than burying the response in food.
Keep it up chuck!
Lesley x
Hey I liked this post.. Congrats on the weight loss. About Zumba and the space needed. I have a very small bedroom that I use as an exercise room. You only need about 5 to 6 feet on each side of you. So if your husband moves the furniture to do yoga you should be able to do the same and do zumba. Good luck..
ReplyDeleteLove it that you are processing things and learning to let it be. It's hard when avoidance has been my mantra my entire life. Such is life.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. You are real, processing, and fabulous. I do it too, everyone does they just don't micro-analyze it like me. Keep going.
Congrats on the loss!
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing the things we 'see' when we've started to truly look at ourselves, don't you think? I think we've come a long way and we deserve a good pat on our backs!!
P.S. I love your blog design!!
(seems like my browser is having problems so I'm posting again. if the previous ones show up somehow please delete them, thanks!)
Food is an interesting thing. My sister told me lots of serotonin is made in our stomach. I, too, am disappointed in how I interact with my husband, esp. when I'm stressed. At least you are self-aware! I wish you loads of luck on your journey. One trick that has kind of worked for me (when I can get myself to do it) -- when I crave sweets, I drink a full glass of water and eat an apple, and only then eat the junk, if I still want to. Thanks for visiting my blog.
ReplyDeleteGood job on the weight loss!
ReplyDeleteWell, I found that very, very interesting. I have a few years on you and yet, I feel the same!! I often sit and wonder what would happen if my husband dropped dead today?!! What would I do.?? Do I even remember what our password for online banking is because he always pays the bills online while I chat to him and make the coffee for us. Not in a subserviant way...it is just how we have settled into this routine. He would be quite happy to be the coffee maker and me pay the bills....but we don't. I think you have done an excellent job to remain focused and not turn to food while processing all this. A giant step forward I would say. One thing I know.....no matter how much we "think" we may have lost ourselves somewhere in the relationship fog.....when push comes to shove....we soon rally and become the strong women we know we are when the occassion calls for it!! Well done on your weight loss:)
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the weight loss my dear. More importantly, congrats on not falling back into old patterns. Start again, get better and do better and stick to those great plans you said you made! And keep it up, cuz we'll be reading... ;)
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that you allowed yourself to be so honest with yourself. Not self medicating in the face of this kind of honesty is a major achievement.
ReplyDelete