Wednesday 26 September 2007

Day 215

Okay, I'm writing this post from a booth on the street because I decided not to bring my laptop after all. How cool is it that I can walk up to a booth on the street and send an email or surf the web. I'll take plenty of pictures and upload them when I get home so that you can see how it works. I'm loving Vienna. We have had a wonderful day sightseeing. Tomorrow I will be going to another hotel for my conference and leaving James to hang out on his own Thursday and Friday. So for my food, I just dived right into the dessert this afternoon. But I took Livy's advice and shared with James and I ate really really slowly.It was fucking GOOD.
It's called a Kardinalschnitte. It looks really big I know, but that's just because I am so close to it.

So here's my Food

Breakfast- 20 nuts & 4 dried apricots

Lunch - 1 bowl of vegetable soup & dessert

Dinner -Mushroom appetiser & fish,spinach & potato main course.

I am well aware that I am get more calories than I normally would because I am eating in restaurants. So I am walking my butt off. Yes, Sayre I am walking and walking. This afternoon James made me climb 400 spiral steps to the top of a cathedral tower. I thought I was going to die, but in the end though I could barely walk I felt better that I got a good workout. I'm going back to the hotel now. Hopefully, I can stay on longer tomorrow and visit a few of you. Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.

Tuesday 25 September 2007

Day 216

Quote for Today:
"No dream comes true until you wake up and go to work."
Anonymous


I had a lot on my plate today. Not literally ... actually I had too little on my plate food wise. Breakfast and dinner were fine, but I never got around to having lunch, nor did I get around to exercising. :(

My honey has decided to join me in Vienna and I am so very happy. We debated back and forth about whether he should come since it has to be a short trip because neither of us can stay away for very long. Finally, he decided that he would rather enjoy a short break, so we fly out tomorrow at 6am. and will hang out together all day. Then I will leave him on Thursday and Friday for my conference and rejoin him on Saturday to do some more sightseeing before leaving on Saturday evening to fly back to London.

I am taking my laptop and hope that I can blog every evening as usual. I think/hope this will help me keep my focus because Vienna is renown for its sweets - cakes particularly - and I have to admit that whenever I have thought about going there in the past, I have fantasized about eating every single cake made in the place. It's a little funny that now that I am going I won't be able to attempt to fulfill my fantasy. It's not that I don't want to anymore, it's just that right now I can acknowledge that that's not the healthy thing for me to do.

Happily though, I haven't had my treat for the month yet, and so I can have it there.

So I am off to read a blog or two then to bed since I have to be up in ... yikkees ... 3 1/2 hours.

Food
B - 351

1 cup of yogurt - 260
1/2 cantaloupe - 48
1 tbls of agave - 43

S- 80
10 nuts - 80

D - 443
56 grams of cheese - 228
3 cups mixed vegetables - 115
1 tbls butter - 100

Calories - 874
Exercise - none
4
cups of water

Day 217

Quote for today:
I still need more healthy rest in order to work at my best. My health is the main capital I have and I want to administer it intelligently. Ernest Hemingway

I am too tired to make any sense. I'm just going to write food and go to bed.

B - 351

1 cup of yogurt - 260
1/2 cantelope - 48
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 398
56 grams of cheese - 228
3 bean salad - 170

S- 228
56 grams of cheese

D - 343
56 grams of cheese - 228
3 cups mixed vegetables - 115

Calories - 1320
Exercise - 1/2 elliptical trainer & upper body weights
8
cups of water

Sunday 23 September 2007

Day 218

Quote for Today
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
Jules Renard


My honey was out and I felt too lazy to cook, so I got the bright idea that I would buy some ready made dishes. I bought some toor dahl lentils and what I though were parsnips but turned out to be potatoes. They were delicious but the calories were insane, so I decided to divide the meals in half and have one half for lunch and the other for dinner. Even so they still amounted to what is my entire days allowance of calories in just two meals. That's where laziness leads. Another lesson learnt today.

B - 365
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 nectarine - 62
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 598
225g Potatoes - 280
Dal - 292
1 tomato - 26


D - 598
potatoes - 280
Dal - 292
1 tomato - 26
Calories - 1540
Exercise - rest day
4 cups of water

Saturday 22 September 2007

Day 219

Quote for Today
"You leave old habits behind by starting out with the thought, 'I release the need for this in my life'." Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

I am completely exhausted. I am going to a conference in Vienna next week and I have spent most of the afternoon shopping. I HATE shopping and will only do it when I have absolutely no choice.

I had no choice today because:
1. I just had nothing suitable to wear that fits well and
2. with the new airline regulations in Britain regarding carry-on luggage, I needed to get with the program.

Each time I have travelled by plane since the new regulations, has been a nightmare, mostly because I always think I can get away with something.... and sometimes I do, but mostly I don't. I had to chuck out a bottle of my best conditioner on my way back from Amsterdam in February because the regulations say no liquids over 100ml. The bottle was 150ml big, but there was only about 50ml of conditioner left. They didn't care and I had to choose between tossing it, checking the bag or shipping the conditioner. Well since my flight was already calling to board I had to chuck the bottle. It is a very pricey conditioner and I was none too pleased.

This time I got a list of the rules and am going to be a model passenger. As a matter of fact I've decided that I am changing the way I travel altogether. Unless I am going away for more than 3 weeks, I am only using my new carry on and everything is going to have to fit into it because you can only take one piece on board. No carry-on as well as a handbag, like you did in the past. One piece of luggage no bigger than 56cm x 45cm x 25cm. i.e. 22 inches x 17.7in x 9.8 inches and that's that. The only exception being for laptops. You can have a laptop bag in addition to your regulation size carry on. They even have a little basket at the boarding gate that they make you put your bag into to make sure you're complying. The buggers! This means I'm going to have to be brutally selective about what I take with me. No more loading up with a ton of crap I never use. A new leaf is being turned over here folks.

So I bought a new trousers suit in a British size 16 if you please ...down from the British size 20 pants I have been wearing that has become really baggy and falls way down on my hips. I also bought a couple of new shirts. I got a regulation size carry on that has a pouch for my laptop and an exterior zip pocket for phone, pens, business cards and files. I've got my regulation size toiletries and regulation size containers to transfer some of my special lotions etc. into. and I have placed all these containers that contain liquids into a little baggie to make sure they will fit into the 20cm x 20cm i.e. 7in x 7 in clear plastic bag that they give you at the checking gate that all your liquids must fit into.

So I am now compliant!!! Probably the first time in my life.

I had a fabulous time at tango today. The worse might be over. We learnt a step called the backwards ocho and I loved it. I got it right away and was terribly excited. We also began to fit together all the steps we've been learning and it felt really good to be dancing confidently. I'm going to miss next week because of the trip but I can't wait to see what we learn next.

The food was a tad strange today. Again, I run into problems when I am out because I don't prepare or have a plan which is dangerous for me. I managed to make some healthy choices and didn't go too wild calorie wise but I'm learning that I need to be aware of the caloric value of foods like dried fruit and nuts and have them in smaller portions.

Anyway, a successful day altogether.

B - 571
1 cup of yogurt - 260
125gs dried apricots - 268
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 425
70 gs raw nuts - 425

S- 268
125 -gs. dried apricots - 268

D - 110
2 cups soup - 110
Calories - 1375
Exercise - 1/2 hr on the thread mill & 1hr 15 minutes of Tango
4 cups of water

Friday 21 September 2007

Day 220

Quote for today: "Life without love is like a tree without blossom and fruit." Kahlil Gibran



It's Friday night and I am at home alone because my honey works on Friday from 10pm -9am. In his absence my Friday night ritual use to involve copious amounts of chocolate, but now instead I am sitting listening to the radio and writing this post and I don't feel any need whatsoever for chocolate.

Christine asked me about agave in her last comment. Agave is nectar found in a type of cactus found in Mexico. It has a very low glycemic index so it is absorbed in the bloodstream slowly and does not significantly raise blood sugar levels in the way that sugar or artificial sweeteners do. For more information click here. I use it in my plain yogurt to satisfy my sweet tooth.

A few people have mentioned that they like tofu. I eat a fair amount of it because I am a vegetarian. I have been for most of my life. Don't worry I don't try to convert others, not do I view vegetarianism as a morally superior choice. It's just a choice I made a long time ago and one that I am happy with. I am a lacto-ovo vegetarian which is the most common kind of vegetarian. This means that I will eat dairy products and eggs (though I don't really like eggs unless they are disguised in things like ... well ... cake.) LOL!!!

At various times in my life I have tried veganism which is the exclusion of anything from an animal, but this was much harder for me to practice so I went back to lacto-ovo vegetarianism. I also buy 99% organic foods. I looooooove tofu raw in salads and cooked in my soup. My favourite lunch right now is tofu, miso soup, with seaweed and other leafy vegetables. There is also something, I've only come across here in England called Quorn which I like as well. A nutritionist I use to go to turned me on to total greek yogurt and I am addicted to it. Of course I am eating the full fat whereas she recommended the 2% or 0% fat but I am not ready to let go of the full fat yet.

By now you might have noticed that I eat pretty much the same thing everyday. This is because I am COMPULSIVE OBSESSIVE. LOL!!! Seriously, one of my really bad habits is that when I like something I eat it over and over and over again until I am sick of it and then I go on to the next thing and I repeat the behaviour. I have noticed the same thing in other areas of my life as well. If I like a song,I put it on replay and leave it there for days, weeks until I am sick of it and then I move on to the next one, and the same thing with clothes. If I like something I will wear and wash over and over until it disintegrates. LOL!!! As I said, I am Compulsive Obsessive. At least my compulsions are relatively harmless ... I think.

Anyway, I am gearing myself up to vary my food a little more next month, now that I am beginning to feel a little more steady.


B - 395
1 cup of yogurt - 260
2 kiwi - 92
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 300
85 grams of houmous - 190
2 cups of vegetable soup- 110

S- 190
85 grams of houmous - 190

D - 343
56 grams of cheese - 228
3 cups mixed vegetables - 115

Calories - 1228
Exercise - moved to Saturday

4 cups of water

Day 221

Quote for today:
"If you want happiness for an hour — take a nap.

If you want happiness for a day — go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year — inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime — help someone else."
Chinese Proverb

So I was sitting on the underground today trying to mind my own business when out of the corner of my eye I spied a headline in the paper the woman next to me was reading, with the words 'too fat' and with the picture of a beautiful young woman under it.


Well of course I am very sensitive to the words "too fat" of late given my preoccupation with shedding my own fat, so I tried to shift my body discreetly and crane my neck to see what the article was saying. The witch caught on to me though and lifting one eyebrow disapprovingly, repositioned the paper so that I couldn't see the article anymore.

Anyway, when I got home I googled the bits of the story I remembered and found this article. Apparently this gorgeous woman, Jen Hunter, can not get any work as a model in a 'regular' model agency because they deem her "too fat". So she has had to seek work in an agency for plus size models even though she doesn't fit their criteria either.
For more on this ridiculous story ...

Reading this reminded me what an unhealthy environment we live in as women. No wonder so many of us battle with life long issues of self-worth. Even when we achieve a healthy weight, the ideal held up by movies, magazines etc. is an impossible (and undesirable) one for most of us to achieve.

This is the new "sub-zero" look that is considered desirable for models, which unfortunately, as we all know doesn't just affect models (which is bad enough) but becomes the standard for beauty (remember Twiggy, Kate Moss), which oppresses us all. This woman may or may not be naturally thin, but why should her body type be the one against which all women's bodies are judged? Come to think of it, why are our bodies always being judged anyway?

I've heard it said that "you can't be too rich or too thin". Ahhhh, NOT!!!

If you're so rich that you think it's cute to buy your dog a six figure diamond necklace, you're too rich and if you are so thin that every bone in your skeleton shows through your skin, then you're too thin.


B - 418
1 cup of yogurt - 260
141 grams grapes - 115
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 311
56 grams cheese- 201
2 cups of vegetable soup- 110

S - 303
1 cup of yogurt - 263
1 tbls. of agave - 43

D - 343
56 grams of cheese - 228
3 cups mixed vegetables - 115
Calories - 1375
Exercise - 1/2 elliptical trainer and lower body weights
6 cups of water

Tuesday 18 September 2007

Day 223

Quote for Today:

Get around the right people. Associate with positive, goal-oriented people who encourage and inspire you. Brian Tracy

I love zipping around the weight loss blogs and seeing what everyone is up to. I only have about a hour in the evening so I don't get to look at many blogs, but it's always nice to take some time to catch up on people who are working towards the same goal that I am working towards, it's very encouraging and inspiring. It is astonishing how unique we all are in our approaches to weight loss.

I had a really good day today, though I see that I am going to have to be really careful planning my food. I did not plan my lunch properly and ended up having just yogurt and a nectarine which meant that my calories for the day have fallen quite short. A nutritionist I used to go to warned me once against allowing my calorie intake to fall below 1200. It's time for bed now so I won't be eating anymore tonight, but I have to be really careful to prepare for lunch so that I don't end up grabbing food that's not on my food plan or under-eating.

B - 365
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 nectarine- 62
1 tbls of agave - 43

L - 365
1 cup of yogurt - 263
1 tbls. of agave - 43
1 nectarine - 62

D - 245
140g vegetarian chicken = 130
3 cups mixed vegetables - 115

Calories - 975
Exercise - 35 minutes elliptical trainer & lower body weights
5 cups of water -

Day 224

Quote for Today:

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins- not through strength but by perseverance." H. Jackson Brown

I'm up much too late, so this is just going to be a fast check in to say that today marks the beginning of the 4th week that I have been on my program without deviation. A lot of emotions are coming up for me, and it's really interesting that in staying in the discomfort instead of reaching for my "drug" to numb myself, the feelings pass without me eating over them. This weekend I remembered something I learnt in OA. They said that compulsive eaters have to learn not to get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired as these trigger the compulsion to overeat. Speaking of which ... I'm tired.

B - 406
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 cup of pineapple - 103
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 311
140 g tofu - 201
2 cups of soup- 110

D - 175
1veggie sausages = 60
3 cups mixed vegetables - 115


S - 303
1 cup of yogurt - 263
1 tbls. of agave - 43
Calories - 1197
Exercise - 35 minutes elliptical trainer & upper body weights
4 cups of water - seem stuck here

Sunday 16 September 2007

Day 225

Quote for Today:

Learn how to be happy with what you have while you pursue all that you want. Jim Rohn

Today I woke up feeling down in the dumps for no reason that I could discern. Through out my life it is feelings like this that have driven me to graze or binge on sugary foods. That has always been my way to cope with uncomfortable feelings. It was very very hard getting through today without doing that. Made me realise once again what a narcotic sugar is for me. When I am in this state and I eat it, it somehow numbs the feelings and allows me to relax, it may even give me a mood boost. In whatever way it works, when I am feeling like this, sweets always make me feel much better, but of course I can never just take one or two bites, I need one or two boxes.

I have not ruled sweets out of my program completely. Though I am not eating them now, I am allowing myself to have something sweet once a month if I want. I don't want to eat sweets though when I feel the way I do today, because that just reinforces the behaviour of using a substance to blunt my feelings so I don't have to face them.

B - 361

1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 cup of melon - 58
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 338
2 oz cheese - 228
2 cups of soup- 110

D - 429
1 oz cheese - 114

2.5 oz veggie mince - 100
3 cups mixed vegetables - 115
1tbls. fat - 100
Calories - 1128
Exercise - rest
4 cups of water

Saturday 15 September 2007

Day 226

Quote for Today:
"It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect it's successful outcome." William James

I had a wonderful time at tango today. I made up my mind that I was going to focus on myself and mastering the steps and forget about what I looked like and I had the best time ever.


B - 406
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 cup of pineapple - 103
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 311
140 g tofu - 201
2 cups of soup- 110

D - 335
2 veggie sausages = 120
3 cups mixed vegetables - 115
1tbls. fat - 100

S - 303
1 cup of yogurt - 263
1 tbls. of agave - 43
Calories - 1355
Exercise - 1 hr of tango & 1/2 hr. walk
4 cups of water

Friday 14 September 2007

Day 227

Quote for Today:
"Good habits result from resisting temptation." Indian Proverb

So I was tempted not to go to the gym today, but I resisted that temptation because I am trying to form new habits. LOL!!!

I also practiced my tango steps with James today and I am ready for class tomorrow. I'm happy. That's all.

B - 406
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 cup of pineapple - 103
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 311
140 g tofu - 201
2 cups of soup- 110

D - 428
1 cup yogurt - 260
1 tbls. agave - 43
3 cups mixed vegetables - 115
1tbls. fat - 100

S - 103
1 cup of pineapple - 103
Calories - 1248
Exercise - 1/2 hr elliptical trainer - no weights because the room is being renovated
4 cups of water

Thursday 13 September 2007

Day 228

Quote for Today:
"A man too busy to take care of his health is like a mechanic too busy to take care of his tools." Spanish Proverb

So today, I went for a brisk walk for 1 1/4 hour with my partner, James, instead of going to the gym. It was a beautiful day and I loved being outdoors. I am glad that I have had this time to establish a routine of self-care before the new term begins. I am a College Lecturer and start work again next week. Teaching is very demanding. In order to be effective you have to spend a good deal of time planning and preparing each class, not to mention filling out a millions forms required by the bureaucracy. Even with classess I've taught before it is important (to me anyway) to update and refine my class structure and material, to keep things fresh and interesting for myself and my students.

I am a loner - a creature of solitude really, but I enjoy the time and interaction I have with my students. I like to think of my class as an oasis where my students can feel completely safe, relaxed and comfortable asking questions and taking risks.

Tomorrow I will be putting the finishing touches to my preparations for next week and hopefully I can have a nice relaxing weekend.

B - 406
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 cup of pineapple - 103
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 311
140 g tofu - 201
2 cups of soup- 110

D - 428
1 cup yogurt - 260
1 tbls. agave - 43
3 cups mixed vegetables - 115
1tbls. fat - 100

S - 103
1 cup of pineapple - 103


Calories - 1248
Exercise - 1 1/4 hr. walk
4 cups of water

Wednesday 12 September 2007

Day 229 - Just for Today

Quote for today:
"This one step - choosing a goal and sticking to it - changes everything." Scott Reed

I was thinking about something Livy said. At the end of one of her comments here, she encouraged me to have faith in myself. I was thinking about that and talking to my partner today about how many things I've talked about doing that I have not done. It's so much easier for me to talk, dream or fantasize about something than to actually do it. Every time that I have set a goal and failed or let a dream slip by, it has chiseled away at my faith in myself - my self-belief and self-esteem. I am very short on both.

Daily I am challenged to remember that this commitment to lose weight requires faith in myself and I am not honoring myself if I break it because I'm having a bad day, or a friend wants me to share something with her that is not on my food plan right now, or because I would rather hurt myself than say "NO" and risk hurting someone else.

I can't control how quickly I lose the 35kgs/77lbs I want to lose, but everyday I wake up I tell myself that just for the day I am going to set the goal for myself of eating my meals from my selected food plan and getting at least 1/2 hour exercise. Perhaps this is how faith in one's self is developed. I can certainly say that every night that I get into bed having honored, protected and achieved my goal my self-belief and self-esteem feel stronger.

B - 217
1 cup of 2% yogurt - 100
1 nectarine - 74
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 301
140 g tofu - 201
2 cups of soup- 100

D - 428
2 oz cheese - 228
3 cups mixed vegetables - 100
1tbls. fat - 100

S - 303
1 cup yogurt - 260
1 tbls. agave - 43

Calories - 1249
Exercise - 1/2 hr. elliptical trainer
4 cups of water

Tuesday 11 September 2007

Day 230

I love Autumn especially in the north east of the USA where the seasonal changes are so very dramatic, but I always feel a little sad when it comes around. I guess I don't look forward to the loss of light and the cold. I love the summer months here in England because the days are so long. The weather isn't always great but the days are long. You do pay heavily for that in the cooler/colder months though because the days are incredibly short and dark.

Anyway, forgot to mention yesterday that I added weight training to my routine. Yesterday, I did upper body and today I did lower body including crunches for my middle.

B - 377
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 nectarine - 74
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 301
140 g tofu - 201
2 cups of soup- 100


D - 508
2 oz cheese - 228
3 cups cauliflower - 190
1 tbls. fat - 90

1 cup of tea with sweetner - 43

Calories - 1186
Exercise - 1/2 hr. elliptical trainer
- 1/2 hr of weight on lower body
4 cups of water - still struggling here

Monday 10 September 2007

Day 231

My, my how time is flying by!

This Monday makes the beginning of my third week of healthy eating and exercise. Can't tell you how much this is doing for my attitude, not to mention my body. I am still huge of course, but my clothes are fitting looser, my face has lost its bloat and I am living in a healthy optimism (in spite of the many negative feelings that pop up from time to time) that I will be thin again.

B - 377
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 pineapple - 120
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 410
45gs cheese - 150 + 1 veggie burger - 130 = 280
2 cups of salad - 40
1 tbls . dressing - 90

D - 402
2 oz cheese - 228
3 cups cauliflower - 84
1 tbls. fat - 90

Calories - 1189
Exercise - 1/2 hr. elliptical trainer
6 cups of water

Sunday 9 September 2007

Day 232

This morning I was thinking about the role that shame has played in my life. Yesterday, I went to a Latin dance class with my boyfriend. I love to dance but it takes a lot of courage for me to go because there are mirrors all around and everyone looks like some version of Barbie and Ken and then ... there is me.

I started to become overweight from around 8 years old and the more overweight I became the more difficult it was for me to engage in physical activity. Firstly, I was teased about my size and therefore became very self-conscious. Secondly, I was not as nimble or quick as my peers because of the extra weight. This often meant that I was not as good at whatever task had to be accomplished and consequently no one wanted me on their team. I came to hate and avoid wherever possible physical activity because it put me in the position to be feel inadequate and be ridiculed and rejected.

It was only as an adult when I was introduced to a program called Greysheet Anonymous by a friend, that my life turned around completely. I learnt for the first time what healthy eating is, and I learnt to make healthy food choices. Once I began to lose weight I had lots of energy and began to feel so comfortable in my body, that I began to wake up early and go running in the morning.

Boy did I love running. I loved that it was free … that I did not have to pay anybody to do it and I didn’t need any special training. More importantly, because I could do it alone, I didn’t feel self-conscious. There was no one to ridicule or laugh at me and no one to compare myself to. I could go as slowly or fast as I wanted to. I could stop if I felt tired. The only person I had to be accountable to was myself and so I allowed myself to start slowly and build up in my own time to a speed and distance that I felt comfortable with and could sustain. I looooooooooooved running. I ran 3-5 miles 5 days a week for years. It made me feel free and powerful, gave me a great sense of accomplishment and helped to build up my sense of self-respect. Unfortunately, because I never stretched properly before or after I ran, I ended up doing damage to my knees and my doctor advised me to stop running and find a low impact activity to replace it.

Even though there are other things I began to do once I was thin and not longer felt self-conscious about my body, like swimming, biking, dancing and diving, running was my anchor and things kinda went downhill for me weight wise after I stopped. I did try to replace it with the activities mentioned above, but that didn’t quite work out and as I said stopping had a kind of knock on effect and before I knew it I was back to my sedentary life style and my self destructive pattern of unhealthy eating which lead to a body weight of 90kgs.

Now, here I am trying once again to lead a healthy lifestyle so that I can increase my chances of living a long life. I have enrolled in a gym and am now going 5 days a week. I don't like gyms for reasons I may go into another time, but at least it's a quiet women-only gym and when I go, there are no more than 5 other women dotted around, so I don’t feel too uncomfortable and can just get on the elliptical trainer do my thing and leave.

In the dance studio it is another matter completely, I am the biggest person in the room (woman or man) and I'm always the one the instructor has to take more time with, going over and over the same thing. It's not that I don't get it, it's that my mind is so busy feeling conscious and ashamed of my big body, wondering what everyone is thinking about me, anxious that I look like an idiot, worried that I'm going to step on my partner's toes (you have to change partner's constantly so I can't dance with my honey the whole time) that I can't enter into the moment, I can't internalise the steps, I can't relax or focus.

Most of the time I'm not even there, because the feelings are so unbearable that I do an "out of body". That's how I coped my entire life. I abandon my body and its horrible feelings and problems and I go off into the stratosphere somewhere or I eat to numb the discomfort and pain. I feel like 8 again. (sigh)

This is probably why I felt ill last night. I actually thought of giving up the class until I am thin again, but I don’t want to. I can't tell you how much of my life I've put on hold already because of shame. I have to stop doing that whether I'm fat or thin. I think I am going to take my partner’s suggestion and do a private session or two with the instructor (whom I like immensely), practice at home a lot and then do a ton of affirmations before the class. I want to do it. I deserve to do this class. I want to be a superb dancer. I know I can be a superb dancer.

B - 377
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 nectarine - 74
1 tbls of agave - 43

L- 377
1 oz cheese - 117 and 1 veggie burger - 130 + 247
2 cups of salad - 40
1 tbls . dressing - 90

D -211
85gms vegetarian chicken - 90
3 cups of vegs. - 81
1 tsp fat - 40

S - 293
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 tbls of agave - 43

Calories - 1258
Exercise - 0
3 cups of water :(

Saturday 8 September 2007

Day 233

Short post today:

B - 377
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 nectarine - 74
1 tbls of agave - 43

L - 273
2 oz cheese - 228
1 cup of salad - 20
2 tbls. of wheat germ - 35
1 tbls. dressing - 90

S - 293
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 tbls of agave - 43

D - am not feeling well so I'm skipping dinner and having my snack as my last meal instead

Calories - 1043
Exercise - 1 hr. dance class
2 cups of water :(

Friday 7 September 2007

Day 234

So I took the odd vegetable my honey brought home a few days ago back to the store to find out what it is. It is called a kohlrabi. Full marks for Spidey who suggested it was a type of turnip. It's actually a kind of turnip cabbage thing. Who knew such a thing existed?

You wouldn't believe I could not think of a single thing to give myself when I lose my first 5kgs. I want the thing to be something I would not normally get or buy and something I would really want and can AFFORD! LOL!!! You see what I really want is this. This is what I call real incentive, but I could not even afford the hubcaps on this baby, so instead I am thinking of this pair of boots.

I know they may not look like much, but I'm really into comfort and I've always wanted a pair of knee high boot. The problem is I have really big calves and usually boots don't zip up around them. LOL! So I may have to postpone them for a later 5kg loss treat.

I think my blog must be really boring to read because I don't have that much to say. I'm feeling very calm right now and I am basking in the gratitude of not grazing on unhealthy foods all day long. It is really important for me to write every day even if only to say I am here and I am trying, because I can disappear in the food quite easily and when I do, it's not that easy for me to get out.

Writing my food, exercise and water intake makes me feel accountable and is keeping me clear and honest. For example, I wanted to skip the gym today, but then I thought, how can I skip the gym without an excuse other than I didn't want to go. The fact that I would have to write that down was a great deterrent to skipping. In the past I'd say "oh what the hell, its only one day", and one day would lead to one week to one month to one year. Same for the food. So even though it may be a little boring and repetitive, it is helping me tremendously. Thank you everyone for popping by and checking on me.


B - 377
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 cup of nectarines - 74
1 tbls of agave - 43

L - 400
2 oz cheese - 190
2 cups of vegetable soup - 210


D - 366
141 grams vegetarian mince - 130
3 cups of mixed vegetables - 105
1 tsp fat - 35

Calories - 1143
1/2 hr. Elliptical Trainer - 400cal burned
6 cups of water

Thursday 6 September 2007

Day 235

Just a quicky today. I'm tired. LMAO!!!

B - 410

1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 mango - 107
1 tbls of agave - 43

L - 380
1 1/2 veggie sausage - 87 with 1 oz cheese - 113
1 cup of salad - 20
2 tbls. of wheat germ - 70
1 tbls. dressing - 90

D - 366
2 oz cheese - 226
3 cups of mixed vegetables - 105
1 tsp fat - 35

S - 143
1 cup of 2% yogurt - 100
1 tbls of agave - 43
Calories - 1299
1/2 hr. Elliptical Trainer - 430cal burned
6 cups of water

Life is good. Nighty, nite.

Wednesday 5 September 2007

Day 236

Don't know why it is that when I send my honey to the grocery store with a list of the stuff we need, he always comes back with something I didn't ask for, can not identify and don't know what to do with?
Does anybody know what the hell this is? LOL!!!

I saw a swimsuit on line and ordered it in a UK 8/USA 6. I am very optimistic that one day it will fit me. I am thinking of pinning it to the wall of my bedroom for inspiration.

I also though that I might give myself a special treat - something I would not normally do - for every 5kgs I lose. I have to start thinking of what I would like that would be a good incentive and I'll put it in my side bar.

This is what I had to eat today. I decided to go ahead and have my yummy yogurt after all for a snack, but I cut back on my protein and fat at dinner to compensate. My totally calorie intake was 1233. Which I am really happy with. I want to keep it in that region for the most part.

B - 377
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 cup of nectarines - 74
1 tbls of agave - 43

L - 400
1 veggie pattie - 107 with 1 oz cheese - 113
1 cup of salad - 20
2 tbls. of wheat germ - 70
1 tbls. dressing - 90

D - 163
1 veggie sausage - 58
3 cups of mixed vegetables - 105

S - 293
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 tbls of agave - 43
Calories - 1233
1/2 hr. Elliptical Trainer - 400cal burner - this wasn't so bad today
6 cups of water (I'm just accepting this for now)

Tuesday 4 September 2007

Day 237

This is a quicky check in because I want to have time to visit some blogs before I go go bed.

You see Spidey, I am heeding your warning about late nights. ;)

Today I had:

B - 377
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 cup of pineapple - 74
1 tbls of agave - 43
L - 400
1 veggie pattie - 107 with 1 oz cheese - 113
1 cup of salad - 20
2 tbls. of wheat germ - 70
1 tbls. dressing - 90
D - 355
5 oz of prawns - 150
3 cups of mixed vegetables - 105
1 tbls. fat - 100
S - 293
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 tbls of agave - 43
Calories - 1425
1/2 hr. Elliptical Trainer - 400cal burner
6 cups of water (still struggling to get to 8)

All in all, I had a good day. I ate exactly what I agreed to in my food plan and I am very happy about that. I see how doing the calorie count is really critical.

I want to consume around 1200 calories a day and what I am learning by writing the calories next to the food is that I went over 1200 both yesterday and today because of my food choices. I love that full fat greek yogurt but it is too high in fat calories to have twice a day so if I want a snack I am going to have to choose something with far less calories. That seems reasonable.

One day at a time and this day is over!!!

Monday 3 September 2007

Day 238

Today I celebrate exactly one week of being on my program of weight loss. I am so happy that I have been able to make one week. Yeah!!!

I should mention that I am not going to be weighing in every week. I am going to weigh in once a month for two reasons. I can't handle the stress of weighing every week, especially because I am traditionally a slow loser and I'm afraid of becoming disheartened this early in the game or just as bad becoming completely obsessed. Neither of which are too hard for me to do. LOL!!!

Anyway, I have joined Christine's September Challenge and as part of it I am writing out my food every day and my exercise. Will create a side bar for my score soon.

B - 391
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 cup of nectarines - 88
1 tbls of agave - 43

L - 483
1 cup of yogurt - 260
1 cup of salad - 20
2 tbls. of wheat germ - 70
1 tbls. dressing - 90
1 tbls of agave - 43

D - 464
5 oz of vegetarian mince - 140
3 cups of mixed vegetables - 105
2 tbls. fat - 219 (Wow, this is too many calories from fat. Will have to watch that in the future.)

Calories for today - 1338
1/2 hour on the elliptical trainer - 400cals burnt
6 cups of water, hopefully I can get in another two cups before bed.

Sunday 2 September 2007

Day 239

Really good day!!! Stuck to my food plan. Didn't get any exercise though. Oh well! There's always tomorrow.

Saturday 1 September 2007

Day 240

So today was not the best day ever.

I stayed up all night last night working manically on a project and finally went to bed at 10am. There was no reason for me to do this other than the fact that I get so involved with problem solving that I lose all sense of reason.

I had breakfast before I went to bed but this meant that I ended up sleeping most of the day and having lunch at 6pm.

When I got up I felt really off kilter - sort of emotionally clingy and empty and wanted to comfort myself with sweets. To make matters worse my honey had to go to work and so I had to fend for myself emotionally and nutritionally.

I cooked a veggie burger, and mushrooms and had 1/2 oz of cheese with it.

Before he left we talked about how I felt and what I could do instead of eating. I decided to walk to the bus stop with him on his way out and pick up a movie to watch in bed on my computer and then try to have a early night. I also talked about what I was planning to do food wise for dinner. I felt a little better after that.

When I got to the counter to pay for my movie, not only was I surrounded by every sweet thing imaginable, but the cashier told me that the Ben and Jerry's ice cream was half price and if I bought it I could also have caramel popcorn for half price.

"Do I look at though I need ice-cream and popcorn?" I said. The woman next to me burst out laughing and then we all had a good laugh and chat about not needing to stuff ourselves with sugar.

I felt much better for the laugh and the encounter and as I walked back home I decided to blog about my feelings, write out my day's consumption of food and visit three other bloggers to give them moral support.

All in all I feel happy because part of moving away from emotional eating for me is not just examining why I feel eating when I feel like eating, but finding non-destructive/positive/nurturing alternatives.

Anyway here's what I had today:

B
1 cup yogurt
1 cup nectarines

L
1 veggieburger
1/2 oz cheese
2 cups mushrooms

D
1 cup yogurt
2 cups tomatoes
1 tbls. dressing

I know it sounds a little weird this food but that's how it is today.