With my niece here, the only thing that I have been able to do related to weight loss is my daily morning exercise. This is no small thing (I'm still not loving it, but it's now part of my morning routine which I really wanted it to become and want it to stay) but it is not enough if I want to bring my weight down. I AM stress eating and my food is all over the place.

Over the past three weeks that my 8 year old niece has been visiting me, my days have been consumed with caring for her. She is a bright beautiful curious energetic child and I am really happy to have this time to get to know her better and introducing her to all sorts of new things, but as wonderful as she is and as much as I adore her, I could not imagine being her or anyone else's parent day in day out, year after year after year. It is much too ... well, draining.

This is the biggest problem I have with motherhood. To be a good mother, I think, one has to be prepared to surrender a good part of one's personhood, personal space, time and energy. How on earth do people do that? I need extended periods of alone time to think, dream, ruminate, plan, BE. Without this time I could not function, could not maintain my sanity. Without it I would quickly suffocate and die.

Having my niece here reminds me of just how much I am not cut out for motherhood. This is something that I've always pretty much known about myself. I don't hate kids mind you (though I have to admit I tend to prefer child free zone on any form of public transport or socialising) but bringing a life into the world and being responsible for its emotional, spiritual, physical and social development and well-being is mind bogglingly terrifying to me.

Parenting a child has got to be the most challenging and important job one can ever do in one's life and I am definitely not up for it.

Another week of exercise under my belt. YEAH!!! I haven't exercised like this in years and years, not since I was a healthy weight. Though I'm not exactly feeling love, the overwhelming resistance and resentment I felt when I started is now gone.

Now that I've got my exercise routine on track, I want to start to tackle my food issues. My sugar addiction has been raging. When I told my doctor this week what I've been doing, she almost fell off her seat. I am hesitant to talk about my issues with sugar with people who are not addicts because they just don't get it. Everyone gets alcoholism, drug addiction and nicotine addiction. They understand that one drink for an alcoholic is deadly, that smoking will kill and that drugs are an absolute no no, but few people understand that with a sugar addict one bite of a sugary substance can lead to days, weeks, months, years of life threatening binging. Thank God she got it. Among the things my doctor suggested was hypnosis. I don't know much about hypnosis but Sayre from Finding my Inner, Thinner Person mentioned that it worked for her in helping her kick the smoking habit. Perhaps it will work for me in helping me kick my sugar addiction. God knows I'm willing. I would love to be in the place where the very though of anything sweet leaves me nauseous.

View From My Elliptical Trainer

I can't believe that I have now completed Week Four of exercising 1 hour 5 mornings a week. It hasn't been fun but it has gotten easier and I feel a great sense of accomplishment.

In the beginning I had a tendency of moving really slowly in level one on the elliptical trainer, but then I got myself a heart rate monitor and that has been very useful in helping me monitor the intensity level of my exercise so that I am exercising within my particular aerobic or anaerobic zones. I've also been doing interval training which I much prefer to simple aerobic exercise.

I noticed this week that I had to work harder just to get my heart rate into the bottom of my aerobic zone (which means that my heart is getting stronger) and that I was able to do my reps with the weights much more easily.

Next I have to work on my food which comes and goes and has mostly been going this week.

On another note my 8 year old niece arrived from Barbados this week to spend August with us. My Dad was supposed to bring her on his way to China for the Olympics, but his company had to route him through Los Angeles instead of London so we had to use the British Airways' special service for children travelling alone. I thought she would freak out a little but she was completely unphased by the experience.